How to Choose the Right Doula for You: Questions to ask, red flags to watch for, and how to know when it feels right

Jul 18

Choosing a doula is an incredibly personal and important decision. After all, this is someone who may be by your side during one of the most vulnerable and transformative experiences of your life. Whether you're preparing for birth, postpartum, or another major transition, your doula should feel like a calming presence, a trusted guide, and someone who understands your values and goals.

Here are some key questions (and things to consider) to help you find the right doula for you.

1. What Is Their Experience?

Experience looks different for every doula—some have attended hundreds of births, while others may bring deep knowledge in lactation, postpartum healing, or loss support. Ask:

How long have you been a doula?
What made you want to become a doula? (watch for folks who got into birth because of their own birth experience, they may bring some bias or need to work through their own trauma still)
How many births (or postpartum clients) have you supported?
What kinds of births have you attended (hospital, home, VBAC, cesarean, etc.)?
Do you have experience with [your specific needs & birthplace]?
What kind of training and certifications do you hold?

Remember, more experience isn’t always better, it’s about alignment. Some newer doulas may offer incredible attentive care. What matters is how you feel with them and whether their approach fits your vision. Experience may make a difference if you have risk factors or similar lived experiences.

2. How Do They Handle Emergencies?

Doulas aren’t medical providers, but they are trained to remain grounded and supportive if things shift quickly.

You might ask:

How do you handle unexpected or emergency situations?
How do you support clients when plans change suddenly?
What’s your role if there's a complication?
Are you familiar with common complications and able to offer some amount of context around medical events?

You're not looking for someone who can fix every problem, you're looking for someone who can hold steady when things get hard.

3. What Are Their Expectations of You?

The doula-client relationship goes both ways. It’s important to know:

What do you expect from your clients during pregnancy and birth?
How do you prefer to communicate?
What happens if I need extra support outside of scheduled visits?

Clear expectations can prevent miscommunication later on. This is also a great time to talk about boundaries, availability, and how they handle questions or emotional support between visits.

4. Do They Have a Backup Plan? Time Off?

Life happens, even to doulas! A reliable doula will have a clear plan in place.

Ask:

Do you work with a backup doula? Can I meet them?
What happens if you’re unavailable when I go into labor?
Do you have any time off scheduled near my due date?

You deserve to know exactly who will be showing up for you and when.

5. How Do They Work with Your Providers?

Doulas are there to support you, not replace your medical team. The best doulas know how to collaborate and communicate respectfully.

Good questions to ask:

How do you support clients in a hospital or with a midwife?
What’s your approach to working with nurses or OBs?
What happens if my provider and I disagree on something?
Are you familiar with my specific provider? Have you worked together before? What’s your relationship like?

A great doula helps you advocate for yourself while keeping the focus on your wishes, not their opinions. Your doula should be able to help you navigate conversations with providers while respecting them and their position. Collaboration over contentious advocacy (when the moment calls for it though it may be appropriate)

6. Do You Feel Safe and Respected Around Them?

This might be the most important question of all.

Do I feel heard and seen?
Do I feel comfortable sharing vulnerable things?
Do I trust this person to show up with compassion and without judgment?

Pay attention to how your body feels when you’re with them. If something feels off, trust your intuition. If you feel warm, grounded, and empowered; this might be your person.

7. Other Good Questions to Ask

Here are a few more questions that can open up valuable conversations:

What’s your philosophy on birth/postpartum?
How do you support partners?
Do you offer additional services (lactation, childbirth education, placenta encapsulation, etc.)?
What are your fees, and do you offer payment plans?

RED FLAGS

🚩 They make medical claims or give medical advice

🚩 They push their own birth philosophy onto you

🚩 They don’t have a clear backup plan or availability boundaries

🚩 They’re vague about pricing, packages, policies, or contracts (or they don’t have a contract!)

🚩 They make themself the center of your story

🚩 You feel uncomfortable, dismissed or not heard by them

🚩 They guarantee a specific outcome for your birth

🚩 They don’t respect your partner(s) or family dynamic

Final Thought: You Deserve the Right Fit

I’m not the right doula for everyone! There’s no one “right” doula, only the right one for you. It’s okay to interview a few different doulas before making your choice (I typically recommend 2-3). You’re looking for experience balanced with a personality match. Ultimately, trust your gut. Beyond qualifications, it’s about connection. You deserve someone who makes you feel supported every step of the way.

Choosing a doula is the beginning of a relationship built on trust, respect, and shared vision. Trust your gut. Ask the hard questions. And know that you deserve to be fully supported.

Have more questions or want to connect? I offer free consultations to help you explore whether we’re the right fit; no pressure, just real talk and support.